My Celebrity List

Married couples tend to talk about a lot of nonsense. Once two people have been together for some time they need to find things to keep each other amused. One topic every married couple I know takes up at some point is the subject of the celebrity list. That is, what celebrities would you put on a list that, should your spouse meet them they would get a temporary out on their marriage vows allowing them to sleep with the celebrity on the list.

It is kind of silly because it presupposes a couple of big things like a) that you would at some point in your life meet these famous people and b) that, for whatever reason, these good-looking, famous and powerful people would jump into the sack with someone like yourself (in my case an older, fat, balding comic book guy). As if Charlize Theron would look at you and say "I'm on your celebrity list? Of course I'll to sleep with you!" as if sleeping with people who would put their name on a list is somehow the obligation of every working actor in America.

The other thing that people don't consider when putting these lists together is that the thing they might be in love (lust) with is the character they are thinking about and not necessarily the actor or actress in question. If you ran into Brad Pitt in a grocery store you might not even recognize him, but I know that one friend of mine when conjuring him into her imagination always thinks about him from Fight Club (yeah, she's kind of dark). Heather Graham might be great looking in real life but have a lousy personality.

So, as my wife and I were doing this I decided that I would make up a list based on the characters I would want to meet and not some creepy stalker notion of wanting to get with some hot celebrities. So, in no particular order here is my celebrity list (note, my wife has not signed off on this thing and would no doubt toss me out of the house if I ever stepped out on our marriage vows, so this is basically just a flight of fancy and not a wish list, so all the woman on this list do not need to report me to the cops).





Lauren Graham in Bad Santa -  I would wear a Santa hat just to hear her say her now classic line (you know what they are). Plus, if she was into Billy Bob just because he was Santa, then I would definitely have a shot. Forget Gilmore Girls, this is the Lauren Graham I would want to be with.

Natalie White in Survivor. Yeah, I know this is a real person and not a character, so maybe cheating and just a little creepy. But she has three things going for her;
1) She looks great in a bikini,

2) She has a million dollars and

3) My wife almost but her on HER celebrity list, and my wife is not into chicks, so THAT's how hot this woman is.


Also, she managed to live in the wilderness for 39 days and killed a rat, then apologized to the rat for killing it. I think she's as complex and interesting a character as anyone else on this list.

Nicole Kidman - Okay, Kidman gets in for her body of work and not just for being one character. She is one of the sexiest women on the planet and seems to only get better looking with time. It would be easy to have an image of her from  Eyes Wide Shut  since that movie is all about sex, however I prefer this image of her from Moulin Rouge! which helped Kidman become voted by lesbians in 2008 as the second sexiest woman in Hollywood (odd fact about that list, the top 10 featured no American actresses.)

Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct  - Seriously, who hasn't thought it might be cool to be with a crazy woman. Catherine Trammel may have been the best crazy chick in film history. I know a lot of people might say Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction might have been nuttier, but when I watched that movie as creepy and scary as it was all I could think of was "No way do I cheat on Anne Archer for that nut". Stone's best line; "What are you going to do, arrest me for smoking?"

Susan Sarandon as Alice in Atlantic City - Sarandon is another one who could be here for her body of work, and I could have chosen from a long list of pretty amazing characters she has played. From Annie in Bull Durham to Sarah Roberts in The Hunger, Susan Sarandon excels at being sexy, hot and desirable. But it is her moment with some lemons in Atlantic City that Sarandon as Sally Matthews on this list. Plus, her character was into old guys, so I would probably have a shot.

Kathleen Turner in Body Heat - This was Turner's first big movie, and she hit it out of the park as the not-to-be trusted Matty Walker. One of her best lines in the flick "You're not too smart. I like that in a  man" is classic and had me hooked on that deep, sultry voice  for a long time. Honorable Mention for Turner roles is her bit as the voice of Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit Jessica would have just been another toon without Turner voicing her. Jessica's line "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way" could just as easily have been "I'm not bad, I just SOUND that way/"

Kate Hudson as Penny Lane in Almost Famous -. My first word of advice when watching this movie, watch the Director's cut which is simply referred to as "untitled". Most of the time director's cut suck, making the movie needlessly long and boring. Not so with  Almost Famous , the director's cut reveals a lot about all of the characters and brings the entire film together. You don't need to spend the money of the deluxe two disk edition, find a copy of the original DVD release that has the director's cut on the flip side).
Regardless of the version you watch you would have to agree that Penny Lane is a very sexy and desirable character and that Kate Hudson does more with just a smile than most women can do with their entire body.

Marilyn Monroe as The Girl in The Seven Year Itch - As a woman who becomes the object of a married man's overly-active imagination. A perfect movie and perfect character for a list like this since it is all about fantasy and obsession and while there is no movie character played by Monroe that I would not put on my list, this character seems to fit best. The fact that Monroe's character's name is never given a name and is only referred to as "The Girl" in the credits tells you all you need to know about this movie. She is everyone's fantasy (note; the photo to the left is actually from  Some Like It Hot ,  The Seven Year Itch features the classic scene where Monroe steps over a grate which blows her skirt up.)


To be honest Monroe probably deserves a body of work mention on this kind of list, but I already gave that to Nicole Kidman.


So, there you have it.  I think sometime I would like to see a celebrities list. Who would Nicole Kidman or Susan Sarandon put on their lists.